Making the Future Female

SATIRE

The Crisis & Abusive Systems: Simon Cowell’s X-Factor as Metaphor


Pink at his best… funny, cutting and perceptive.


A SHORT SCENE FROM THE NOVEL DOG SHARON


Once Dora had parked the Land Rover, Sharon led the women through Birmingham Shopping Centre until they were standing outside NEXT.

A muzak version of Kraftwerk’s Showroom Dummies played quietly from hidden speakers.

‘These dummies aren’t representative of ordinary women,’ said Sharon smiling. She closed her eyes and concentrated. Within seconds the mannequins began to change shape. The nearest’s arms shortened until it resembled Nina’s Thalidomide-deformed outline. Others became like human chameleons, changing colour rapidly to create a huge range of shades in every hue imaginable, all done in crazy stripes, spots, splashes and splotches.

Next Sharon made their doll’s faces transform; some had big noses, chins grew and ears dangled. Spots and pimples appeared; moustaches and beards sprouted. Long legs shortened and became hairier and one model now sported an artificial leg.

‘That’s for all the amputees,’ Sharon said without opening her eyes.

Now fingers thickened and feet grew wider. It was like a mash-up between The Clothes Show and the Incredible Hulk. Thin fashion garments stretched and split while several dozen styles of plastic buttons pinged like semi-automatic fire as the bodies bulked-out beneath. Nina and Dora watched wigs change colour, length and style, while another dummy lost her hair completely.

‘That’s for women receiving radio- and chemotherapy,’ shouted Flora.

On the other side of the parade was a fashion boutique containing loads of male and female dummies kitted out in the latest styles. Sharon glanced at the window and they began to melt. Within seconds the display looked like a 3D Salvador Dali painting. Dora couldn’t resist it. ‘Four cheers for the surrealists!’

Another doll transformed until it resembled the strap-on woman’s body on the cover of The Female Eunuch. ‘Homage to Professor Greer!’ shouted Aisha.

A fibreglass model of a bull stood on the pavement, promoting the Bull Ring Shopping Centre. As they passed it became plastic; the horns receded and udders grew beneath. Sharon shrugged her shoulders. ‘For our transgender friends.’

Sharon strolled to the main window of Marks and Spencer. She closed her eyes and puffed out her cheeks until her face was bright red, causing the shop dummies to swell sympathetically. Dora began a NASA-style countdown in reverse. ‘Size eight, ten, twelve, fourteen – mission control, do you have my size in one of those pretty little silver capsules? Sixteen, eighteen, twenty – we’re losing you honey, sorry, I mean Houston…’

Sharon opened her eyes and tossed a question to the group. ‘Who said “Fat is a feminist issue”?’

Kate was first. ‘Susie Orbach?’

‘Right first time,’ answered Sharon. ‘Give that woman a low-fat coconut!’

As they walked down the passageway that led to Debenhams, Sharon glanced at the Miss Selfridge sign to her left. Miraculously, it now read Ms Selfridge.

‘Cool!’ said Lesley.

At the next shop, Kate laughed out loud. When Sharon asked her why she explained, ‘You know me, always playing with words and letters in my mind. It just struck me as funny that tampon is an anagram of Topman.’

‘And they’re both stuck up!’ quipped Pross.


A MAN’S PLACE IS IN THE KITCHEN


If men

stayed at home

and

did the domestic work

we

would

have

a

lot

fewer

wars.


COULD IT BE THE END OF MEN?


 

Is it Bye-Bye Blokes?

Farewell Fellahs?

Goodnight Guys?

Read

DOG Sharon: The Future is Female

And

Find

Out…


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Sleep is a naturally recurring state characterized by reduced or absent consciousness, relatively suspended sensory activity, and inactivity of nearly all voluntary …


EASY POSTMODERNISM


libertarianism

The primary theme of the works of Gaiman is the role of the artist as participant. Baudrillard promotes the use of conceptual desublimation to attack hierarchy. Thus, neotextual libertarianism implies that truth may be used to reinforce outmoded perceptions of sexual identity.

In the works of Gaiman, a predominant concept is the distinction between figure and ground. Derrida uses the term ‘postsemanticist socialism’ to denote the difference between society and reality. However, the genre, and subsequent absurdity, of Debordist situation prevalent in Gaiman’s The Books of Magic emerges again in Death: The High Cost of Living, although in a more mythopoetical sense.

HANG ON!

I HOPE NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE

BECAUSE

IT’S A UNIQUE COMPUTER-GENERATED POST-MODERNIST ESSAY

OR

IN OTHER WORDS

A LOAD

OF

BOLLOCKS

The characteristic theme of d’Erlette’s[1] model of capitalist modernism is a self-justifying paradox. Thus, Derrida suggests the use of Debordist situation to modify and challenge sexual identity.

The premise of capitalist modernism states that the State is capable of significance. However, the subject is interpolated into a dialectic discourse that includes language as a reality.

Porter[2] implies that the works of Gaiman are modernistic. In a sense, Baudrillard promotes the use of Debordist situation to attack sexism.

Capitalist modernism states that sexuality is used to oppress minorities. Thus, a number of discourses concerning the role of the reader as observer may be revealed.

CLICK HERE FOR YOUR OWN UNIQUE VERSION.

BE THE ENVY OF YOUR FRIENDS

SEEM CLEVER 

CONFUSE

WINK AND NUDGE

WRITE BOOKS NO-ONE CAN READ

BE A FAMOUS FRAUD


WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?


 

WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?

I’ve felt since I was old enough to understand life that being wealthy was wrong.

Hence I’ve always identified with the Robin Hoods rather than the robbing bastards. 

Which side are YOU on?


SATIRISTS OF THE WORLD – UNITE!


SATIRISTS OF THE WORLD – UNITE!

A French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, ridiculed the Prophet Mohammad today by portraying him naked in cartoons.

The French government, which had urged the magazine not to print the images, said it was temporarily shutting down premises including embassies and schools in 20 countries on Friday, when protests sometimes break out after Muslim prayers.

Riot police were deployed to protect the Paris offices of the satirical weekly after it hit the newsstands with a cover showing an Orthodox Jew pushing the turbaned figure of Mohammad in a wheelchair. On the inside pages, several caricatures of the Prophet showed him naked.

 

Reacting to the publication, Essam Erian, acting head of the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood’s Freedom and Justice Party, told Reuters: “We reject and condemn the French cartoons that dishonour the Prophet and we condemn any action that defames the sacred according to people’s beliefs.”

Calling for a UN treaty against insulting religion, he added: “We condemn violence and say that peaceful protests are a right for everyone. I hope there will be a popular western and French reaction condemning this.”

One of the Charlie Hebdo cartoons entitled “Mohammad: a star is born,” depicted a bearded figure crouching over to display naked buttocks and genitals, a star covering his anus. A second cartoon, in reference to the scandal over a French magazine’s decision to publish topless photos of the wife of Britain’s Prince William, showed a topless, bearded character with the caption: “Riots in Arab countries after photos of Mrs. Mohammad are published.”

 “We have the impression that it’s officially allowed for Charlie Hebdo to attack the Catholic far-right but we cannot poke fun at fundamental Islamists,” Charlie Hebdo editor Stephane Charbonnier, who drew the front-page cartoon, said. “It shows the climate — everyone is driven by fear, and that is exactly what this small handful of extremists who do not represent anyone wants — to make everyone afraid, to shut us all in a cave,” he told Reuters.

http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/magazines-nude-mohammad-cartoons-prompt-france-to-shut-embassies-schools-in-20-countries/

 

 

 

 


DON’T BE SCARED OF MEN WITH BEARDS


 

I’ve been discussing the concept of ‘orthodoxy’ with a couple of blogger friends recently (MaddSuspicions and Omadeon) and we agree this type of mind control is the opposite of real thinking.

 The word ‘orthodoxy’ comes from two Greek root words, ‘ortho’ meaning straight and ‘doxa’ meaning opinion. The word ‘religion’ comes from a root word meaning to bind.

From this short etymological examination it’s obvious that religious leaders who promote and police orthodoxy don’t want their followers thinking for themselves – for that quickly leads to heresy – another word derived from a Greek word ‘hairesis’ meaning to take or make a choice. Where would we be without these brilliant Greeks?

 This is hugely topical as protests against a film criticising the founder of Islam have taken place across much of the world where Muslims reside. I argued yesterday that this was orchestrated by so-called religious leaders for all-to-worldly ends, for these imams and ayatollahs, like the pastors, patriarchs and popes are political leaders really.

 These people care nothing for spiritual values, they are all about power and control over their populations. It matters not which god they claim to serve, they’re all the same. And like successful political leaders the world over, they know how to make the most of an opportunity. Just as crazy evangelicals attack gay marriage and abortion, their Islamic shadows scream about blasphemy whenever anybody questions their ideologies.

 Today it is the turn of Hezbollah Secretary General Seyyed Hassan Nasrallah, who has called for the adoption of an international law to criminalize all forms of attacks against Islam and other religions.


In a speech broadcast on closed-circuit television in Lebanon on Sunday, Nasrallah said with a straight face, “There should be resolutions adopted in top international institutions, which are binding on all states and governments in the world, to forbid the defamation of religions.” 

“Those who write or draw or make such a film would know that they would be punished wherever they are and they would not feel protected,” the Hezbollah secretary general stated. 

He then called on Muslims across the world to protest against the anti-Islam film, which he described as “the worst attack ever on Islam, worse than the Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, the burning of the Qur’an in Afghanistan, and the cartoons in the European media.” 

 Now I’ve read The Satanic Verses, and if this story really scares the religious faithful, you’d have to draw the conclusion that the leaders are not that confident in the whole edifice of Islam. I have also read an English translation of the Koran and it’s not that impressive either. It’s at about the same level as The Book of Mormon, and that’s not saying much.

Nasrallah continued, “The whole world needs to see the anger on your faces, in your fists and your shouts… The whole world should know that the Prophet has followers who will not be silent in the face of humiliation.” So that proves it – it’s not a real reaction from Muslims but a stage-managed show of strength.

 As my partner said after watching some of these so-called demonstrations, “The protesters keep looking to the cameras and try to pull angry faces like bad actors…” This is exactly what is happening; they look at the camera like bad actors always do – just like the bad actors in the film “The Innocence of Muslims”. (I don’t include Oliver Hardy here BTW)

Anti-US demonstrations, which began on September 11 over the anti-Islam film, have been held across the Muslim world, with protesters storming US embassies and torching US flags. Has anybody ever wondered where these poor people get such expensive flags from? 🙂

Muslims in Iran, Turkey, Sudan, Egypt, Yemen, Tunisia, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Malaysia, Pakistan, India, Iraq, Morocco, Syria, Kuwait, Nigeria, Kenya, Mali, Nigeria, Australia, Britain, the United States, France, Belgium, and some other countries have held many demonstrations to condemn the movie. Similar protests were also held in Kashmir and the Gaza Strip.

In a move which can only be described as ‘comical’ Nasrallah called on the Organization of Islamic Cooperation to hold an extraordinary meeting on the issue. The Hezbollah chief also demanded an urgent Arab League session to discuss future moves against the sacrilegious film. 

Now when things like this happen it makes me want to make a good film critical of Islam – to do what ‘Life of Brian’ did for Christianity. And the more these lying leaders threaten the more the desire burns in me to satirise their bullshit.

I’ve already written a satire of Christianity with a female Ms.siah and her middle-aged girlfriends as the disciples. It’s as iconoclastic and cutting as I could make it and takes the piss out of traditional male power structures. Yet the pastors, priests and patriarchs are much funnier than satire, as my mate at the MaddSuspicions blog said this morning, “Truth is indeed stranger than fiction!”

So please everyone, don’t let ranting rulers scare you – they’re the ones that are scared – terrified that the people in so-called Muslim communities will learn about history and the world and make up their own minds. That’s why they control their women so tightly, they know a little learning is a bad thing for bullshit religions, and they need to keep brainwashing the kids. Hence the protests about circumcision as well – they know if they don’t put their evil mark on the children when they’re young there won’t be another generation of the faithful.

So friends, oppose orthodoxy, ignore or scorn these so-called religions and make your own minds – it’s the only way to true wisdom.


DOG Sharon – The Movie


This is a short trailer I made about my novel to get the idea across. The soundtrack starts after a bit 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48ApGnDepFw&feature=g-upl&context=G206bf9bAUAAAAAAAAAA


WE DON’T NEED GOVERNING!


Recently people keep talking about this or that politician, or they say let’s petition parliament or the president. But these are the bastards that are oppressing us – we don’t need governing – that’s what kings, dictators and emperors have done for thousands of years. Governments are just the same – they are a way of managing the people – they’re not for us!

We don’t need hierarchies so I’ve invented the word LOWERARCHY

If we are all the same let’s act like it – don’t give your power to leaders – they’re part of the problem not the solution.


WOMEN OF THE WORLD UNITE!


QUESTION: What links shelf stackers, till cashiers, actuaries, carers and ex-carers, refuse collectors, apprentices, waitresses, nursery workers, laundry and dry cleaners, farm workers and labourers, women from the French feminist group La Barbe who wear beards and take the piss out of male power, bouncers and bar attendants, box office clerks, hospital auxiliaries, porters, consultants of every hue, hospitality workers, taxi drivers, warehouse assistants, council officers,  retail assistants, women who describe themselves as actors and actresses, bus drivers, train drivers, driving instructors, hairdressers, betting shop workers, food processing operatives, assorted adwomen, TV engineers, a prime number of mathematicians and statisticians, therapists, TU officials, toolmakers, town planners, camerawomen, a trichologist, welfare rights officers, a Mrs Big, van drivers, brewers, painters and decorators, factory workers, childcare workers, community and youth workers, textile and clothing factory workers, car park attendants, editors, more traffic wardens, scaffolders, funeral directors, teams of door-to-door saleswomen, an intelligence officer, teaching assistants, breeders, teachers, lecturers, dinner ladies and school cooks, inspectors, bingo-callers, telephone engineers, cabin crew, beggars, cafe and restaurant staff, anthropologists, market researchers, Big Issue vendors, chambermaids, masses of secretaries and armies of administrators, lots of unemployed women, tax collectors, VAT women, chemists, pharmacists, telesales, spammers, hackers, air traffic controllers, customs officials, conwomen, factory inspectors, meter readers, opticians, network engineers, service engineers, numerous students, several politicians, psychologists and social psychologists, a couple of canal boat brokers, bursars, reflexologists, captains of vessels and a captain of industry, authors, carpenters, surveyors, bakers, coaches, road workers, pop stars, archivists, art dealers, plasterers, beauticians, career criminals, forensic accountants and a former terrorist?

ANSWER: DOG Sharon: The Future is Female


AFTERNOON TV – WORSE THAN ANYTHING I CAN THINK OF…


While at the gym last week I had the misfortune to watch what has been on the monitors at the front of the building. Normally I listen to music on a small MP3 player and can ignore the images, but I lost it and can’t afford to get a new one at the moment.

There are about half a dozen large screens at the front of the gym displaying the most depressing mix of programmes. Depending on the time of day the mix has been slightly different, but the following are nearly always there and seem to me warrant some discussion.

BTW A big shout out and thanks to all the brilliant staff at Tudor Grange!

Afternoon dramas.

On one screen there have been alternate showings of the awful Murder, She Wrote with sleuth Jessica Fletcher played by Angela Lansbury. I thought she was good in Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks – but this American-made program is truly awful. Every stereotype possible is portrayed 

Murder, She Wrote alternates with reruns of Midsomer Murders – a badly-acted whodunit set in a fictional English county that has a higher murder rate than downtown Johannesburg. John Nettles plays the slightly world-weary detective who must pick his way through panting second-rate English actresses who have affairs left right and centre while trimming orchids with huge pairs of secateurs. The women always hate their fat successful husbands and the men are so rude and uncouth that the viewer wonders why they weren’t topped decades before. It is like a cross between Eastenders, Women In Love and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

What always amazes me about programmes like this is that murder is a crime most foul yet it is the subject of afternoon television. Bodies litter the twee landscape at a time young children come in from school and nobody bats an eyelid. Would rape or any other serious crime be so funny and titillating?

Quiz shows.

There have been a range of quizzes, some aimed at adults and some for children. On reflection these have probably been the least annoying, although I have some criticisms.

The worst offender is definitely Deal or No Deal  hosted by the creepy Noel Edmonds

Edmonds is one of a happily dying breed of shitty deejays that cut their teeth on BBC Radio 1  and went on to annoy people across a wide range of platforms. It would have better for everyone if they’d cut their throats instead. Radio 1 deejays are the slimy wankers satirised in The Fast Show’s  ‘Smashy and Nicey’ 

As I was watching without any sound it took me some time to realise what was going on. I naively imagined there was some skill to the programme but eventually realized it was all down to luck. One of the major common denominators of rubbish television is the link to money. We’re all short of money in this crazy era of ‘austerity’ so quiz shows and a high proportion of adverts involve ugly fools waving wads of cash.

Shitty Antiques Shows

Another programme shown at this time and concerned with wads of cash was entitled “Secret Dealers”  This cheap show was another offering from ITV – Independent Television – and sadly wasn’t about exposing drugs or arms sales but followed a group of unlovable antiques dealers as they tried to buy items for less than their market value from members of the public.

If greasy men with cufflinks are your bag then this could be the TV show for you. The worst part of the programme was when the dealers paid the money for the kitsch and the cameras zoomed in on the fistful of notes as if nobody had ever seen £500 before.

I’ve decided this type of thing should be called ‘Money Porn’.

As a final tie-in with the crappy show, when the credits were rolling the audience were invited to take part in a telephone competition to win THOUSANDS OF POUNDS! Sorry to shout, but that’s how it was portrayed. All the lucky winner had to do was ring a premium rate line and answer a simple question like “Who is the current Queen of England?” I’d say they were aiming at the same customer demographic that guiltily buys scratchcards from newsagents. I use the term ‘guiltily’ as I’ve witnessed many folks, mainly female and middle-aged, buy these cards and they usually ‘remember’ to ask for the items as if an afterthought. I always feel sorry for these people but what can I do?

Adverts

This brings me nicely to the next category, advertisements, or commercial breaks as they were formally euphemistically called. We rarely watch television at home and when we do I normally record the programme beforehand so we can whizz through the adverts on fast-forward at 32x normal speed. Consequently I rarely watch adverts nowadays. I’m happy to say I didn’t know what I was missing. I’d guess that nearly half the adverts involve the waving of wads of cash as mentioned above. These range across smarmy solicitors offering their services to folk who have been mis-sold pension and payment protection plans by our friends the banks, offers to buy old mobile telephones and computer games for cash, cod competitions that ask inane questions that have to be answered on expensive premium rate telephone lines and spurious life assurance schemes promoted by fading former TV personalities like Michael Parkinson

Then there are the adverts for hair stuff, cosmetics and bath and shower products that all feature attractive women rubbing their bodies lovingly while in an ecstatic state normally only brought about by powerful psychoactive drugs, sex or direct religious experience. For a combination of all three – see crappy Christian crooner Cliff Richard.

These models are at the opposite end of the female body continuum from those used in adverts where the advertiser wants to appeal to ordinary people without using sex. So in adverts for pretend food for dieters, help-lines for dumbos – like confused.com, online bingo, banks and financial products where the advertiser wants to get across the idea that most of the clients are stupid (for that read normal folk) we only see overweight women with cheap haircuts. There is no middle ground – women are either super-slim and sexy or morbidly obese and ugly.

Please note – this isn’t how I see women – this is how the advertisers want us to react.

Tomorrow – my take on Lady Gaga’s shitty videos.

See her latest costume from her new tour below


PARENTS – YOU CAN’T LIVE WITH ‘EM, YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT ‘EM


This morning, I would like to quote from perhaps the best satire written in the English language – namely Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift. Most people are aware of only some parts of the first part of the first voyage in which Gulliver finds himself in Lilliput.  Here the inhabitants grow to no more than 6 inches high and the hero of the novel is considered to be a giant. However, there are many other voyages covered in the book but these are normally left out of popular versions of the story because they are considered unfit for children due to their often crude subject matter and highly satirical nature.

As a student of literature I can recommend this as one of the top novels ever written.

My point here is to tell you about a short passage in the book where Swift, in an allusion to the reference in the 10 Biblical Commandments to ‘honour thy father and mother’, says the following:
“The Lilliputians … will never allow that a child is under any obligation to his father for begetting him, or to her mother for bringing her into the world; which, considering the miseries of human life, was neither a benefit in itself, nor intended so by his parents, whose thoughts in their love-encounters were otherwise employed. Upon these and the like reasonings, their opinion is that parents are the last of all others to be trusted with the education of their own children…”

After Gulliver escapes from Lilliput he arrives at the Kingdom of Brobdingnab where he is only 6 inches tall and the native inhabitants are giants. After many escapades he becomes friendly with the King and many brilliant discussions take place which allows the author to poke fun at our society and our warlike nature. The King of Brobdingnab is appalled to hear of the lies and machinations of our political classes, our evil military inventions and downright cruelty to one another and comments:

In subsequent voyages Gulliver meets a wide range of weird and wonderful people and in the final chapter makes the acquaintance of a race of rational horses who live side by side with a race of horrible, filthy animals called Yahoos. Of course, we are the Yahoos and the internet company of the same name is named after this literary invention.



What kind of world do we live in when so-called comedians explain social policy and politicians make a laughing stock of the population?



Pastors – they’re only in it for the money, drugs, property, sex and power…


How to buy DOG Sharon: The Future is Female


DOG Sharon: The Future is Female!

Available as a paperback and ebook at Amazon.co.ukAmazon.com

A thrilling story of love, courage and humour with a crucial
message of hope and change for the entire planet.

Available as a paperback and ebook at Amazon.co.ukAmazon.com

abortionbirthDOG Sharon: The Future is Femalefemininefeminismfeministreligious satirereproductionsatirestopstop giving birthsymbolVenuswomen


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Wealth – a terrible disease that can be easily cured…
Much respect to Nonviolent Conflict for excellent blogging to save the world x



Now the truth about Scameron’s early life – soon to be made into a major motion picture by Disney/Pixar

Notes From A She-Hermit ©™®

Slimey D. Scameron is one of the most hated

Prime Ministers Britain has ever known.

This is the story of his life.

*

*

BABY SLIMEY

Slimey D. Scameron was neglected from a very early age.

Left out in the cold in all weathers, not a bonnet to  keep his

tentacles warm, he knew that life would always be a

terrible struggle for him.

*

*

SCHOOLBOY SCAMERON

Waiting for his dinner in the dining hall of his boarding school,

Slimey D. Scameron dreaded the bullying taunts of his classmates.

Every single miserable day, when his dinner arrived and he started

to tuck in to the lovely grub, the name-calling began —

‘Scameron sea-pig the soup-sucker!’

Fat Scameron the sausage snaffler!

‘Gluttony hoggy food-pig!

and every single miserable day he left the dining hall in tears .

Poor Slimey D. Scameron.

*

*

SCAMERON THE STUDENT

Ignored and despised by scholars and…

View original post 119 more words


SCAMERON’S TORIES TURN TO RIGHT – AND FALL OFF CLIFF…


In a move criticised by everybody with a brain, Prime Minister Toffy Scameron moved his so-called cabinet to the political Right yesterday by kicking out females and installing homophobes, pissheads and grinning greasy YesMen in their place.

“It’s just like being back at school,” quipped the Uber Posh Prat, as he sipped Henri Jayer Richebourg Grand Cru and had his back rubbed by Matron. 

“Calm down dear – I don’t see what all the fuss is about, if God had wanted women to run the country He’d have made them slimy and untrustworthy like my pals, ” sniggered Dave ‘We’re all in this together’ Scameron. “People drone on and on about class, well this is a balanced cross-section of a typical class at Eton, and quite obviously the best men for the job, hic!”

Meanwhile the country is fucked…


BOOK REVIEW – SHIFTY GRADES OF FEY by Billy Spooner


SHIFTY GRADES OF FEY by Billy Spooner (2012 The Satirical Press) is a hugely readable trilogy based loosely on the life and times of the UK education secretary Michael Gove. In this fast paced story, author Billy Spooner paints a nightmarish picture of a government department gone mad. The protagonist, Mickey Grope, is a demon-worshipping former News International executive that sells his soul to the Devil in the hope of becoming Prime Minister. Clearly the plot owes much to the classic Doctor Faustus, but Spooner kicks this timeless tale smack into the zeitgeist of the postmodern era and will no doubt leave readers clamouring for the next instalment. This is such an important book for so many reasons, and in this reviewer’s opinion, probably the best of its type since Jeffry Archer literally resuscitated the publishing world with his world-changing Cain and Unable.

The plot hinges on the decision of Grope to fiddle with a million school kid’s exam grades. However, unbeknownst to the evil EdSec (surely an allusion to Orwell’s 1984) a coven of white witches has taken over the leadership of the National Union of Teachers (NUTS) and plan to dance sky clad down Whitehall and confront Grope in his dungeon hidden beneath the department offices. Without spoiling the tremendously gripping denouement, suffice it to say the greasy Grope gets his comeuppance when the neo-pagan ladies utilise their magic broomsticks in a manner perhaps best left to the reader’s imagination in a family-oriented publication such as this.

This book will certainly generate massive controversy and conservatives, religious folk and those with a gentle disposition are warned to keep well away, but if you like your fantasy raw and close to the knuckle it’s a rollercoaster read you will return to again and again.

Available now at all good bookshops.

What they’re saying about Shifty Grades of Fey by Billy Spooner

“We can clearly see in Shifty Grades of Fey that there is no bi-univocal correspondence between linear signifying links or archi-writing, depending on the author, and this multireferential, multi-dimensional machinic catalysis. The symmetry of scale, the transversality, the pathic non-discursive character of their expansion: all these dimensions remove us from the logic of the excluded middle and reinforce us in our dismissal of the ontological binarism we criticised previously.”  Postmodernist Psychoanalyst Félix Guattari.

“Pass the Biltong…” Rush Limbaugh

“I laughed until I was wet!” Sarah Palin

“In Shifty Grades of Fey, singularities-events correspond to heterogeneous series which are organized into a system which is neither stable nor unstable, but rather ‘metastable’, endowed with a potential energy wherein the differences between series are distributed… In the second place, singularities possess a process of auto-unification, always mobile and displaced to the extent that a paradoxical element traverses the series and makes them resonate, enveloping the corresponding singular points in a single aleatory point and all the emissions, all dice throws, in a single cast.”  Gilles Deleuze

“Gott in Himmel!” Angela Merkel

“Better than being married to Peter Andre…” Katy Perry

“The meta-narrative of Shifty Grades of Fey is subsumed in the luminal attraction to the association of fluidity with femininity. Whereas men have sex organs that protrude and become rigid, women have openings that leak menstrual blood and vaginal fluids… From this perspective it is no wonder that so-called fiction has not been able to arrive at a successful model for neo-pagan vicissitudes. The lacunae raised in Shifty Grades of Fey cannot be further illuminated because the conceptions of fictions (and of women) have been formulated so as necessarily to leave unarticulated remainders.” Katherine Hayles

“Should make millions!” Books and Bookmen

“I wish I’d written it…” Dan Brown

“This disgusting tome, this depraved story, this worthless piece of junk entitled Shifty Grades of Fey is yet another example of what soon-to-be-ex-President Obama has done to the once proud North American tradition of literary culture and academic learning. When I have the privilege to this lead this great Nation, then this sort of Godless scribbling will be quickly made illegal and those that write, if write is not too strong a word, such garbage will be judged by God Almighty, and surely fade and fall into Eternal Hellfire where they so rightly belong. Amen!” Mitt Romney

“Cor blimey!” Margaret Thatcher

“Perhaps Shifty Grades of Fey should be regarded as a chaotic formation, in which acceleration puts an end to linearity and the turbulence created by acceleration deflects history definitively from its end, just as such turbulence distances effects from their causes.” Richard Dawkins

“Billy’s really gone and done it now..!”  Quentin Jerome Tarantino

“The main theme of Shifty Grades of Fey is sexual identity and the common ground between class and art. Therefore, a number of deappropriations concerning poststructural objectivism may be found.” Stephen Hanfkopf – Dept. of Literature Yale University


I’VE LEARNED A LOT FROM ROBERT ANTON WILSON


“The human brain, which loves to read descriptions of itself as the universe’s most marvelous organ of perception, is an even more marvelous organ of rejection. The naked facts of our economic game are easily discoverable and undeniable once stated, but conservatives – who are usually individuals who profit every day of their lives from these facts – manage to remain oblivious to them or to see them through a very rose-tinted lens.

Similarly, the revolutionary ignores the total testimony of history about the natural course of revolution, through violence, to chaos and then back to the starting point.” 

ROBERT ANTON WILSON


DEMOCRACY – WHAT DEMOCRACY?


A little-known power enjoyed by self-styled queen Elizabeth Windsor (made up name and leader of Anglican Church – an organisation founded ironically on the murder of queens!) and her prat of a son Prince of Wales to alter new laws is due to be exposed after the government lost a legal battle to keep details of its application private.

The information commissioner has ruled that the Cabinet Office must publish an internal Whitehall guide to the way the senior royals are consulted before legislation is introduced to ensure it does not harm their private interests.

The deputy information commissioner, Graham Smith, ruled that the Cabinet Office has until 25 September to release the confidential internal manual. It details how the consent of “The Crown and The Duchy of Cornwall” is obtained before bills are passed into law and what criteria ministers apply before asking the royals to amend draft laws. If it fails to do so it could face high court action.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/aug/31/secret-royal-veto-powers-exposed

In the past two parliamentary sessions Charles has been asked to consent to at least 12 draft bills on everything from wreck removals to co-operative societies. Between 2007 and 2009 he was consulted on bills relating to coroners, economic development and construction, marine and coastal access, housing and regeneration, energy and planning.

In Charles’s case, the little-known power stems from his role as the head of the £700m Duchy of Cornwall estate, which provides his £17m-a-year private income.

Nobody ever elected these goons.

There was never a time when the English people were asked if they wanted these spongers. 

They take the piss on a grander scale than any other common criminals.

Isn’t time to clamp down on these unwanted parasites?


DOG Sharon – The Movie


This is a short trailer I made about my novel to get the idea across. The soundtrack starts after a bit 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48ApGnDepFw&feature=g-upl&context=G206bf9bAUAAAAAAAAAA